International Day of the Girl: Messages to my Younger Self

This is a late post as the International Day of the Girl was yesterday, but I’ve only just got the chance to write and also I was waiting for permission to use the below image – Thanks to @stepstohappyness on Instagram.

Dear 4 year old me,

Starting primary school is going to be scary, and unfortunately you’re going to be bullied throughout, but you are stronger than you think. You will cry, and you will have days where you don’t want to go to school because of the fear, but you can do it. By the time you leave you’ll only have a few friends, and those friendships won’t last past high school, but treasure them. Friendships forged when you’re young are some of the most important.

Dear 11 year old me,

You’re starting high school now and the next 5 years will be the best years of your life. You will make lots of friends, some will come and go, others will be lifelong. You will have a ridiculous crush on your year 7 form tutor and future maths teacher, but go with it, you’ll get some hilarious memories out of it that you and Amber will still be talking about in 2017.

Dear 16 year old me,

High school is almost over, and you’ll soon be starting college, it won’t be as bad as you think, I promise. You got attached again over the last couple of years, but don’t worry, you didn’t fuck it up this time! You’re about to start losing some of your friends due to going to different colleges, but honestly they’re the ones that aren’t worth your time anymore anyway – give it a few years and you’ll see what horrible people some of them become. Before you turn 17 you’re going to get a boyfriend – no this is not a joke – he will be lovely and you’ll be so so happy for almost 2 years, in the end it’s just not going to work but make the most of it and learn from it, you’ll then know what it is you want from a relationship in the future, and yes you’ll miss him like crazy but I promise you will get over him and move on.

Dear 18 year old me,

Wooo you can legally drink alcohol! Time for nights out in Spoons with “friends” – only one of which you’re actually still friends with at 21, see above for the reason. You’ve also now finished college – Freedom! Or not. You’re now going to be under the government’s rules for 2 years but you’re going to get a job in the chocolate factory so don’t panic! On the downside though it’s going to make your anxiety worse. Also when you turn 19 you’re going to meet a dick that you become friends with benefits with and he is going to hurt you so much, you’ll give him more chances than he deserves but you won’t be able to bring yourself to cut ties with him, but you don’t have to worry, he does it himself in June 2017. Then you’re free to live the rest of your life without him! Ps. You’re going to see The Script when you’re 21!!

Lastly,

Dear future me,

You have got this! Things will work out. You can beat your anxiety and have a normal life. I believe in you. Also, don’t ever let Amber go, she’s the best friend you’ll ever have.

Kimberley

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“Normal” is Just a Social Construct

Those of you who follow my blog may have seen a post where I briefly mentioned this (if not, see it here). But now, to coincide with World Mental Health day I wanted to write about it in more detail – a spur of the moment decision whilst preparing an Instagram post last night.

Every one of us is a little messed up in our own way, with or without a mental illness. But we are also all under huge pressure to fit into society’s idea of “normal”, but I’m here to tell you that “normal” doesn’t exist. It’s simply a social construct that not a single one of us is obligated to conform to.

Normal

Oxford Dictionary’s definition of ‘normal’.

I googled the definition of normal, expecting to find the top one. What I didn’t expect is that second one. It is completely unfair to label someone with a disability, be it physical or mental, as not “normal”. If we look at it another way, whatever their life is like, is their “normal”, it may be different to your “normal”, but it’s so so unfair to label them just because their life is different to yours.

If you really want to be “normal” then feel free, but those of you that don’t, please don’t feel pressured to be someone you’re not. Every one of us is different, and as I mentioned above, we’re all a little messed up in our own way, but you know what? That’s what makes us all unique. Imagine how boring we would all be if we all met society’s criteria for “normal”. Me for example, I’m a little on the chubby side (UK size 16-18 to be exact), not the best looking, a little weird, have anxiety and I’m definitely not “normal”, but that doesn’t matter. I am me. And before you go judging, take a look at yourself and ask yourself how “normal” you really are. Perhaps you’re closer to the “normal” criteria than me, but I guarantee that the real you doesn’t actually fit that criteria.

Be yourself, and fuck everyone else. In the end, those that deserve to be in your life will appreciate the person you are and never judge you or make you feel pressured to conform to “normality”. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.

To reiterate, “normal” is a social construst and you are not obligated to conform to it. Be yourself.

I hope everyone has had a lovely day. Happy World Mental Health Day!

Kimberley

I Suck At Blogging

Hello to those few people who actually follow my blog! I apologise that I haven’t posted for like a month – possibly longer, I’m really not sure at this point!

I really struggle with thinking of things to write about, and when I do have a good idea I either don’t have the time to write it or don’t have the motivation so whilst I feel like writing I’m just checking in as a little filler post before I hopefully try to post a bit more.

Since my last post I’ve returned to work; I’ve been back for just over a month but I’ve currently got some time off because I had some holiday to use up. It’s not been too bad, though I did have an anxiety attack on my second day back which was pretty horrible, and there have been a couple of other issues since then too.

If you follow my blog or any of my social media accounts you’ll know that my life is quite boring and that there really isn’t much else to say. Though I must mention that I got tickets to see my favourite band next year! I’m off to see The Script at the O2 in London with Amber next February!

I must also mention that I created a secondary Instagram account to focus on my mental health – which I post on much more frequently than here – so if you’d like to check it out here is the link.

For now I will love you and leave you but I will be back.

Kimberley

Yes I Have Attachment Issues, No I’m Not “Weird”

Anyone close to me will be able to tell you how easily I get attached to people – parental figures mostly. I think it’s happened since a young age but I only realised it in high school, year 9 to be exact (Age 14/15 for those not in the UK).

Now I don’t want to go into detail about what happened in year 9, but I will say that I got close to one of my teachers; she was lovely and we got on well. First of all I saw her as being like a second Mum – the parental figure – but as time went on I started to see her as more of a best friend, which is where it got out of hand and I took it too far. I like to forget that year 9 ever happened, but it did teach me a lesson and it made me realise my attachment issue and showed me what not to do if I found myself getting attached again.

In year 10 I had a new English teacher, I’d seen her around school before and knew who she was because she was head of English, and I’d heard nice things about her so I knew it’d be a good 2 years of English because we had the same teachers for our subjects for both of our GCSE years. For the first few months everything was fine and she was just like any other teacher, but she was one of those teachers who often got off track and would tell us little stories about her life, so I soon found out that we had a lot in common. I started talking to her outside of lessons at break times and lunchtimes and we got on really well, I found myself telling her things I didn’t even tell my parents and before I knew it I was attached. This time though, I knew what not to do. I told myself that if I found myself getting too close I’d back off before I went and ruined everything, because I genuinely did feel that I could talk to her about anything, and I needed someone like that in my life, yeah I had my friends, but sometimes it was nice to have an adult to talk to – I’ve never been close enough to my parents to talk to them about anything, even now I hardly tell them anything, and I think that’s where my attachment issues come from, I’m not close to my parents so without even realising it I’m always looking for a parental figure to be close to.

So anyway, this time round I managed to not let my attachment go too far, I may have gone a little over the top with her birthday presents in year 11 but that was partly because her birthday was also the day of my last exam and therefore my last day of high school so it was also like a thank you for being such a good teacher for the previous 2 years – she loved the presents I got her so it was all fine.

My high school also runs a college – which I went to – so I still saw her around, not so much as I used to but still enough for us to have a little chat whenever we saw each other. It did get me down a little that I didn’t see her as much as I did in high school but I got used to it. For Christmas that year I gave her a little keyring that I’d made with a photo of the two of us that I’d had taken on our ‘official’ last day of school back in May of that year, she hugged me and said thank you and that she loved it. There isn’t really much else to say about college because I didn’t see her often enough, but the last time I saw her was just before February half term in year 13 (age 17/18), and I haven’t seen her since, so that’s about 3 and a half years now. I’d told her that I’d stay in contact after I left college but that proved to be harder than I thought.

Because I finished college in June and hadn’t seen her since February and we weren’t allowed onto the high school site unless we had a lesson there, I had no way of talking to her to give her my email address or anything for us to stay in touch, and by the time I thought of sending an email to her school email address it was too late because they were changing over to a new email system. I tried Facebook but as she told us many times in English, she doesn’t use hers because she hates Facebook. So that really leaves me with only one option: call or visit the school and ask to speak to her. But I have anxiety, I can’t do that out of fear they’ll just think I’m crazy and turn me away.

It doesn’t bother me that we’re not in contact as much as it used to, but I do still have days where things happen or I’m just feeling down and I think “I’d kill to talk to her and get some advice”, but mostly I’d just like to have a catch up and see how she’s doing, and me and Amber were saying a few weeks ago that we would love to get her drunk because honestly it would be hilarious! But it doesn’t look like we’ll be in contact anytime soon so for now I’m just going to have to carry on dealing with my attachment and hope that one day there’s a miracle and she logs into her Facebook account and sees my friend request.

I was going to include the photo of us in this post but I’ve decided against it because I don’t know if she’d be okay with me using it. But the point of this post is that whilst I have attachment issues, that doesn’t make me “weird” or “not normal”, because honestly nobody is “normal”, everyone is different. “Normality” is something we create in our heads, we all have our own ideas about what’s normal, but nothing is, not really. My attachment issues, along with my anxiety, are just a part of who I am, and I’m sorry but if you know me and you can’t deal with certain things about me then you don’t deserve to be in my life.

Kimberley

Happy 21st Birthday Bestie! β™‘

So I’m dedicating this entire post to my best friend. She’s been by my side for the last 10 years and today is her 21st birthday.
So Amber, thank you for putting up with me for the last 10 years, especially through the first 5 in high school where I’d go on about ‘you know who’ for 6 hours a day (and then later on msn too). I’d have run away years ago! πŸ˜‚ Okay I wouldn’t but still.

I know I’m crazy but you wouldn’t have me any other way, right? πŸ˜‰

But you’re a pain in the ass too at times, like you know, when you don’t reply to my texts for days πŸ˜’ Doesn’t stop me sending you more random crap though πŸ˜‚

Anyway Happy Birthday bitch, I hope you like your presents and enjoy these photos 😜 Love you 😘❀❀

Kimberley